Debbie's Place

A Patient's Point of View

Illusions

My mind drifts backwards…slowly…wistfully and…questionably, to the forks in the road. Some would call it the road less traveled, the path not taken but…what if? The forks in the road indicate a moment in time that we could not change our life course. A split second in time…with no warning….that we question over and over in our minds…. A time that represents a vivid…painful…line in our minds of…before and…after.
 
But if my mind drifts back a little further…I still see pain and disappointment. I still see dreams that were not fulfilled. I still see heart-ache and loss and grief. IIf I am honest with myself I still see paths that were not taken. I see a less than perfect person, with a less than perfect life. I see a different person… a person that thought she knew what she wanted and where she was going. But maybe that was a false path, only an illusion in my mind. Maybe none of us ever really knew where our lives were heading…maybe it was just an illusion. Maybe
that sense of control we thought we had over our lives was just that an illusion.
 
As my mind starts drifting slowly…forward in time, I see a new person. I see that the forks in the road are still there. I want to take the right path, but what if it is only an illusion? An illusion, is defined as an erroneous perception of reality. Could that possibly be the key? If I consider what I know to be real, what life has taught me through all the different and difficult forks in the road, could I possibly see things with correct perception? Could I take the right path I perceive an incredible amount of wasted time, where beauty and joy were not within my grasp…this is no illusion. I perceive time and energy trying to change things that were not within my ability to change…this is no illusion. I perceive a lost spark that at one time shined from within…this is no illusion. But as my mind drifts forward in time to this moment, to this fork in the road…I see that if I open my heart, I can again appreciate beauty and feel deep joy. I don’t have any extra energy so I will no longer waste any trying to change things I cannot change. And if I look really close, I see a glimmer of a spark from within trying to shine brighter…and…brighter.
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Just a Little Compassion

 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can make another feel whole.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can help heal a hurting soul.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Could be our daily life goal.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can help fill a hearts gaping hole.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can give someone else their start.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can bring joy to the saddest heart.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Is something we can all impart.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can make another feel whole.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can help heal a hurting soul.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Could be our daily life goal.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can help fill a hearts gaping hole.
 
Just a little bit of compassion
Can make another feel whole.
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Do you Remember?

 
Do you remember wondering if you were somehow being punished for some terrible past deed?
Do you remember when survivor, and caregiver were only words in your vocabulary, rather than a way of life?
Do you remember all the energy and hours playing the “what could have been” game?
Do you remember the anger and the remorse?
Do you remember wanting to blame anyone, and everyone for this unforgivable twist in the course of your life?
Do you remember the pain and the uncertainty about what the future would hold?
Do you remember that with the passing of time, the disbelief gave way to realization?
Do you remember when the feelings of horror started turning
into feelings of reality?
Do you remember when the pain started being less acute, when taking a deep breath was no longer impossible or quite as painful?
Do you remember when the grief process allowed you to release some of the over-whelming frustration?
Do you remember when the anger started to finally begin to dissipate?
Do you remember that first cup of coffee that could be once again considered enjoyable and yes, even relaxing?
Do you remember when you first started noticing the beauty of the rainbow after a gentle rain shower?
Do you remember when you first started to notice the beauty in the change of seasons?
Do you remember the first time you noticed that the birds were still singing from the tree-tops?
Do you remember the first time you heard a sad…heartbreaking story and said to yourself “But by the grace of God there go I”, It could be worse?
Did you know that this means that your heart is finally on the
path to healing, recovery and acceptance?
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Thank You Mom for my Ability to Pray

 

The truest words taught to me by my mom,
Were to ask for God’s will and it shall be done.
She didn’t promise life would always be easy, healthy, joyous or fun.

When life got hard my mom nudged me forward kindly anyway,
When I was hurt, sad. lost or confused mom encouraged me to pray.
When I got discouraged or frustrated she encouraged me not to go astray.

She encouraged me to get back up each and every time I fell,
She showed me with grace how to walk even when going through hell.
She taught me to focus on my blessings and never on the negative to dwell.

The truest words taught to me by my mom,
Were to ask for God’s will and it shall be done.
She didn’t promise life would always be easy, joyous or fun.

She encouraged me to get back up each and every time I fell,
She showed me with grace how to walk even when going through hell.
She taught me to focus on my blessings and never on the negative to dwell.

As I thank God daily for leading my way each and every day,
I hear my mom saying make God your priority and you won’t go astray.
Mom, thank you so much for teaching me how to pray,
You were right, God has sustained me each and every day.

Dedicated to my Mom “Vee” a twenty five year amazing cancer survivor.
I love and miss you Mom
July 22,1929-April 6, 2017

 

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How Do We?

 

How do we adequately put into words what if feels like to have ourselves and our life plans instantly interrupted and life as we once knew it ended abruptly?

How do we adequately put into words what it felt like to be thrown into the traumatic and surreal world of ICU, life support, rehabilitation and limitations beyond what we or our families could possibly comprehend?

How do many of us adequately put into words what if feels like to have a brain injury and go undiagnosed and not have a clue what was wrong with us?

How do we adequately put into words that far too many of us thought our brain problems meant we had gone crazy?

How do we learn to put these horrendous experiences in some kind of perspective and understanding if we can’t find someone to talk to that we think cares about how we really do feel?

 

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Cannabis and Stroke Healing

Dear friends, I had a hemorrhagic stroke two years ago last month and I survived. I already had a lot of brain damage and due to my epilepsy I was not eligible for the stroke shot. I had been diagnosed with a 90% brain vessel blockage in 2008 that was inoperable. I started on cannabis in 2010. I knew I was racing against the clock. I did have the brain bleed in 2015. The stroke specifically negatively impacted my lungs, heart, kidneys, balance and speech. Against the odds and with no explanation other than cannabis I had my fasted brain trauma healing yet! Cannabis absolutely does help in brain healing and gives HOPE to the hopeless!

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Dementia and Cannabis

Dear friends, this is the 4th year of my dementia and cannabis trial. I have shared with you before that measuring improved cognition is a REAL challenge, There are many types of neuro-degeneration caused by several different diseases and disorders. With my severe brain trauma I knew my risk for dementia was high. Now everyones symptoms will be different but I was 57 and almost instantaneously lost my ability to identify music with any person, place or decade in my life. As a brain injury survivor I had depended on music to do just that for over two decades! Just yesterday I started remembering some of my own all time favorite artists and started listening to them on youtube. I remembered all on my own and with my own long term memory! What a victory and now I have new and enhanced music enjoyment! I use THCA (raw cannabis) twice a day ground and put in capsules. 
 
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Cannabis and Nerve Pain 

Dear friends, I have needed to really search and research to get sufficient pain reduction. I have broke my neck twice at C-3-C7. I have severe nerve root damage. I came out of a neck brace 2 years ago but the pain was too tough without the aid of neck support.The neck brace had caused my swallowing disorder to progress and it was risky for me to eat. I could not get my pain level down and it was raising and keeping my blood pressure at an unacceptable high level. Thankfully, a friend and neighbor was talking to me and pointed to some lavender growing in my flower bed. He recommended I mix the lavender flowers in with my cannabis for more pain relief, relaxation and improved sleep. To this day I vape lavender mixed with my cannabis when I need extra pain relief or am having an extra hard time relaxing and going to sleep. We really do get along with a little help from our friends. <3
 
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Cannabis and Severe Insomnia

Dear friends, getting control over my severe insomnia was a huge process. A review of sleep disorder studies and surveys suggest that sleep disorders are three times more common in TBI patients than in the general population. Nearly 60% of all people with TBI experience long-term difficulties with sleep. TBI can interfere with the “internal clock” in the brain that controls when we sleep and wake every day. If injured, the brain may not be able to tell the body to fall asleep or wake up. There are chemicals in our body that help us to sleep. An injury can change the way that these chemicals affect the body. When I first started cannabis I was not going to bed a single night of the week anymore. I had gone ten days and ten nights and eleven days and eleven nights. Absolutely nothing could put me to sleep including various prescriptions of sleeping pills that kept failing. When I started using cannabis I was passing out every 72 hours any place I happened to finally fall asleep. I was directed to take all my extra trim and age it in the dark for three months or longer and convert the THC to CBN. I then stated medicating though out the day with my cannabis mixed with the CBN trim. It was actually the first thing that ever slowed my brain and body down. I vaped the CBN rich leaves all day and was able to finally start sleeping nightly on this combination. It did take time and I suspect there was a great deal of brain regulation healing that had to take place. When I lay down each night today, thanks to cannabis and time to regulate my brain, I now know that sleep is finally going to come each and every night!
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What If?

What If?
 
What if evil is in our mind, not inside our aspiring heart and souls.
What if the mind wants to taste the whole world, piece by piece.
What if the heart and soul wants to embrace the whole world as a
unit or as one. What if the heart feels that the whole world belongs
to it. What if the mind says, “This is mine. That is yours.” What if the
more the mind can separate……. the greater joy the mind gets. What
if evil is really a sense of separateness. What if when there is union,
there is no evil. What if we have good will, love, a feeling of oneness,
then instead of destroying the world, we could try to embrace the
whole world. What if we collectively could make this what IS not what if!
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